We are living the life of "empty nesters" this week. It's quiet. I miss the girls' chattering selves, the violin practicing, the singing, and the updates of what's happening on "Grey's Anatomy" with the hospital noises in the back ground. They have an obsession with "Grey's Anatomy," and watch it every free moment that they have. I can watch "Grey's" with them, but it's too real and too unreal for me at times. I do enjoy Meredith's soliloquies at the end, as they capture life's truths quite well and can be cathartic.
Andrew and I just
finished the series "Breaking Bad," which was excellent!! The writing and the acting are brilliant. When a series concludes, I often feel
dissatisfied, but this was the perfect ending.
The writer(s) did their homework.
I've never watched a show that is as psychologically accurate plus it has
such smart symbolism sprinkled
throughout the cinematography. We are not big t.v. watchers, but we do
enjoy having a go-to show for our date-nights when we want to stay in. What to watch now? Any suggestions?
Well, my flu is
pretty much gone, and it looks like it may have been a result of the generic
anti-seizure drug I was switched to. My
immune system is strong, and I rarely am hit with the flu. We switched back to the name brand, and a lot
of the negative symptoms I had are clearing up!
I'm a little dizzier than usual, but once my body adapts, I'll stop
bumping into the counters. ;-)
My next doctor
appointment is scheduled for September where we will go back to Mayo Clinic to
review my MRI, and then talk to the cardio- team to see what steps to take
next. I do not think I will have
another craniotomy even though they are recommending it. What is happening upstairs is more or less completely ambiguous. It's all guess work based on my MRI, so whether the brain tumor is growing, or it is scar tissue, or side-effects from the grand-mal seizures, nobody truly knows. The neuro-surgeon said that there is a 15%
chance that I will come out of surgery with significant damage, and I honestly like
being able to walk and talk. I'd much
rather live a shorter life with excellent quality, than a longer one with greatly diminished quality, and
thankfully Andrew feels the same. I
know how I felt 5 years ago upon waking from surgery when I had no control of
my limbs and could not speak English. I
was not scared as I had my mind and felt secure in that, but it was beyond
frustrating as I knew how things were supposed to be done, but I could not make
my body cooperate. My right hand/arm
took the longest to become part of my body again, as I simply would forget to
use it. I still find this to be an issue
occasionally, and am honestly terrified that if I let them back into my brain
tissue, something catastrophic will happen.
Life. I LOVE life. There is a natural ebb and flow between
happiness and sadness that comes, and I try my best to acknowledge both feelings honestly. It's painful to embrace the sadness,
but it's a very real part of our human experience. I personally do not want to cover-up the
sadness with drugs, as the sadness that comes to me is from truly sad
realities, and not a chemical imbalance.
I want to feel everything acutely, with awareness, and live an authentic
life. Perfection is not my goal, but to
live fully, honestly, deeply, and with as much integrity as I can muster. Making this life on earth as heavenly as
possible is my number one goal, as there is no absolute guarantee of a heaven elsewhere. Take care of you! Beijoes!
XOXO ~ Autumn
