Thoughts, Hope, and Much Love to You

The music I chose for Linda's memorial video reflects what she loved and the faith she believed in.   It is the music that she sang with friends and family, and then her boys picked it up which eventually led to the creation of their own Southern Gospel group, "Music City."  Even though I don't share in the belief anymore, I value the tradition and how Linda's beliefs influenced everything she did and who she was. My desire was to show her  heart in the way that I think she would have wanted it remembered. My leaning towards non-theism is not an emotional decision, not one based off of any injustice one may perceive in my life.  It is purely a causative reaction to an insatiable curiosity.  When I was a Christian -- I was a Christian -- period.   I read myself out of my faith.  When reading the Bible, I found parts of it tremendously morally offensive that could not have been written by a god of love, thus I wanted to know where the Bible came from if it was not from a loving god.  I needed to know how it was compiled, and by whom. And, thus with all of this unearthing over the past 15 years, I came to the conclusion that it's not something I want to be a part of--and, that that is okay.   "Be curious, not judgmental." (Walt Whitman)

Life is not fair.  We are born into cultures, religious systems, families not of our choosing, but of circumstance, and with that sometimes we can and do escape the negativity or poverty of our culture, social status, level of education, etc.., but often either we don't see the penury of our circumstances, or we are born into a country where it is next to impossible to pull yourself out of destitution and superstition.  

*Thoughts I wrote previously (while still in my 30's) (lol), but I feel are worth sharing in light of the recent terrorist attacks.  
I've been reluctant to talk about my beliefs for several reasons, but mostly because I have dear friends and family members I do not wish to offend who are devout in various religions ranging from Buddhists, Christians, Hindus, Jews, and Muslims.  And, within the Christian community itself, I have dear friends who are Catholics and some who are members of various popular Protestant sects and some who are members of not-so popular-groups such as the Mormons and the Seventh-Day-Adventists.  I have little desire to convert anyone to my beliefs, nor do I want to cause hurt or fear to my believing friends who might worry about our "salvation," or maybe even their own.  In addition, this was a very arduous journey out of religion for me, and one I'd recommend only if you are unsatisfied with what you find in your system of faith, holy book, and or god(s).   I share Thomas Jefferson's view in which he stated, "I never considered a difference in opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as a cause for withdrawing from a friend."  With that said, I am going to share what I currently believe, with the hope you will not take it at all personally, and with the knowledge that my ideas will likely continue to morph with time as I continue to learn and discuss ideas with friends.  As Winston Churchill said, "To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often." :-)

Religions, as a rule, try to gain converts and as a result can cause painful rifts among friends and family.  I know every religion sincerely believes it has the "truth" and that the end justifies the means; however, as I approach 40, I see clearly the brevity of life and for my own benefit and my family's I need to speak openly and honestly.  Maybe my "coming out" so to speak will spark an honest discussion and more unearthing of truths.  The more I learn, the more I realize how desperately ignorant I am, and this ignorance frightens me.  What else do I not know that could possibly help me live a better life?  A healthier life?  A happier life--one with knowledge that will benefit our precious posterity?  So, I keep studying and talking and thinking and writing. I want to unearth as much knowledge as possible to share with my family before I die, so they can pass the torch on to the next generation, and to generations after that as we all keep learning and attempting to make this world a better place.  Because really, isn't that what life is all about--sharing love and knowledge that benefits our world? 

What I have observed is that in general religious communities tend toward selfishness while promoting inclusiveness and group-think.  When I would question the core doctrines of our church, or contradictions I found in the Bible, I would often receive hostility and rejection in response--not from our pastoral friends, but from lay people.  The ones who have studied the Bible in great depth, along with its history and textual criticism tend to know that it's not holy script sent from the hand of god, and therefore I have found them to be much more tolerant and reasonable. I believe most clergy do not hold their doctrines tightly.  I, personally, could not stay bound to the Bible--especially as a mother of two daughters.  The holy books are filled with sexism, violence, racism, and are overtly ignorant in science and history.  I do understand the cultural pull of Christianity and the comfort it brings to think that we won't truly die, and that there is a mansion waiting in heaven where we can live in a blissful state forever with our loved ones, but what I don't understand is why we cannot live a loving, happy life here on earth with the knowledge that it will simply end someday?  Doesn't the brevity make it all the sweeter and more precious?  It's the temporariness of things that make them exciting and pleasurable -- dessert, travel, roller-coasters, love-making, concerts, reading a good book, movies, etc.  I think all of the longing for a better place "somewhere beyond the blue" causes extreme cruelties and unkindness's here on the only planet we know--the only life we know we have for certain.  If we keep hoping for something better we sacrifice the here and now, and may miss out on the only heaven we may ever have. 

For years I felt rejected by God when reading the Bible.  Women were missing, and if they were there, their names were often not included.  They were raped, mis-used, murdered, etc. It was horrifying.  Every morning, I'd start the girls' day with singing Christian songs and reading from the old and new testaments.   I often found myself, explaining to the girls "that our God does not feel this way toward women/girls--that it was the male author's opinions and culture of the ancient text" while at the same time teaching them that "anything is possible with God" and that "God is all powerful" which led me to wonder, if God is "all-powerful," why did he not intervene on behalf of women, and why did he not defend them in his holy book?  My heart broke.  I had been rejected by my biological father, and clung to the idea of a loving heavenly father who would never leave me, but through the reading of the Bible, I realized that half of the population was blatantly and cruelly rejected by our supposedly all-knowing, all-loving god--our "heavenly father." 

When the girls were 5 and 8, I remember reading to them out of the book of Esther for our morning devotions.  My memories of Esther were sweet and were of Esther's strength and pure devotion to God, but by the end of our reading I was raging with anger at the injustice and grotesque control of women.  In the story, Queen Vashti is deposed as queen because she refused to come and dance before the king and his drunk friends. The King's advisers encouraged the king to depose her as an example to all the women in the city so that they would not "despise their husbands" and stir up rebellion in the kingdom from Vashti's "disobedience" to her husband -- this was such a disgusting and disturbing thing to read to impressionable little girls. I told the girls that Vashti's choice was noble and brave, and that she was a wonderful role model of a strong, confident woman, and that there is never a time when one should bow to anyone's demand, especially a demeaning demand such as Vashti was given. Queen Vashti gave up her title as "queen" and all her riches and freedom in honor of her self-respect.  She is an amazing example for girls to be reminded (by a beauty queen herself) that self-respect is infinitely more valuable than fame and fortune.  But, the Bible and our church (the Seventh-Day-Adventist) glorified gorgeous Esther, and how her submission to God and the king saved the Jews... 

I myself have lost much due to religion, but I did not realize how much I had lost until I removed myself from it. I mourn all of the wasted time and energy and feel terrible about indoctrinating my vulnerable children.  It was not fair to them--not fair to be taught "the truth."  I heard a great thought by a fellow free-thinker, paraphrased here: "if you want to indoctrinate your children, teach them one religion, if you want to inoculate your children--teach them all religions."

Take care of you.

xoxo~Autumn

In Honor of Linda Mae Hagel Foerderer

Linda Mae Foerderer left us October 7, 2012.  She was surrounded by loved ones when she breathed her last breath.    

We will miss you dearly, Linda--thank you for being you.

Be of love

a little more careful

than of anything.

~e.e. cummings

Linda Mae (translated into Portuguese means "beautiful mother")

My mother-in-law Linda is not doing well.  We took the girls out of school last Tuesday, so we could travel to Minnesota and spend time with her at the hospital.  We drove home Friday afternoon, while the rest of the family (Andrew's two older brothers, their wives, and his dad) took her home with hospice care in place.  The cancer has spread throughout her body, including infiltrating her skull and brain tissue. The previous Saturday, while at church, she had piercing pain in her head so her husband Steve drove her to the ER where they learned of the aggressive growth.  Thankfully, she has a large support system in place with her kids, siblings, in-laws, hospice, and an aunt of one of my sister-in-law's (who is a nurse) has flown in to stay with Linda and help manage her care for the foreseeable future.  It's torture for all to see Linda in so much pain and suffering.  As the poignant saying goes:

 

 
 

Here is the world. 

Beautiful and terrible things will happen.

Don't be afraid.

~Frederick Buechner

 

 

When you die, it does not mean that you lost to cancer.  You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.  ~Stuart Scott

 

 We picked up some ingredients at our local farmer's market to try a new fermented pickle recipe my in-laws made the week before Linda went to the hospital.

Mayo & the State Fair

We have been to Mayo and back, and now we are home with our girls to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend.  Sam is putting in her last 7 hours at HyVee this morning which concludes her career in the grocery business, and Andrew and Makaela are picking up some paneer to make our favorite Indian dishes.

The visits went well.  First we dealt with my heart. My cholesterol continues to climb (469) and since I already have some disease in my carotid artery at "the young age of 39" (so sweet of them to say that) they absolutely want me on statins.  Andrew and I have decided to adjust our diet, lower our cholesterol intake (i.e. add lots of veggies and low-carb fruits) and then have my blood retested in a month to see if it has any impact on my cholesterol levels before adding the statins to my regimen.  It does not appear that the diet is helping slow tumor growth, but it may be aiding in seizure control, so we will just play around with it and see what works best.  When I was on a vegan diet, my cholesterol was half of what it is now (mid 200's which is still quite high, but better!!  ;-)

My brain appears less worrisome to the doctors than my high cholesterol--at least to the cardiologists! ;-)  The tumor is still on its steady, slow growth as it has been since we started monitoring it in 2009, but the fabulous news it that only the front part of the tumor appears to be growing, and apparently it's growing into a part of the brain that is not used-- just empty space.  So, what that means is that I will remain asymptomatic in terms of speech loss, coordination issues, etc...this is such a relief!  My neurologist agreed that it will not benefit me more to do a craniotomy/chemo/radiation now as opposed to later, but to be fair, she does make it clear that she would prefer I act sooner than later.  She understands that I lost quite a bit the first time around, and thus understands my hesitation to treat due to the very real risks of losing more quality of life. 

After my appointments we headed straight to St. Paul to attend the Minnesota State Fair. As a child, I attended the fair every year, sometimes multiple times thanks to my energetic, fair loving grandparents.  When Andrew and I lived downtown Minneapolis we attended the fair almost nightly.     This time, 15 years later, we fully embraced our new self-imposed freedom to consume some carbs and throughly enjoyed the world's best cheese curds and buttery corn on the cob, rode the skyride with our legs dangling in the open air, and relished in the "Minnesota-ness" of the place.  It was pure fun and deliciousness.  

Thanks for checking in!  Take care of you, and I hope all is well.  

xoxo ~ Autumn



 



School days, MRI's, and Goodbyes

Snap from school--Sam is playing the part of "The Fiddler" in "Fiddler on the Roof" & Makaela is part of the tech crew

Being that it's the very last day of August, and I have not yet posted this month, it seems I best take advantage of it so as to keep our monthly posting consecutive.  I hope that you are not checking regularly, since I am not writing regularly.  I actually dread writing on here due to the fact that it is a sickening reminder that something is amiss in my life.  Speaking of which, I had an MRI on Friday, (I actually find them relaxing, as I'm forced to just lie still, which being still is not my forte).  We travel to the Mayo Clinic the end of this week to go over the results- -"good times" my daughters would say with a sarcastic faced emoji.  ;-)

My daughters--the loves of my life, are back in school.  Summer vacation is sadly over, thus my alarm goes off at 5:30 while I lay in bed snuggled next to my sleepy husband until a quarter-to-six relishing those 15 minutes of "nothing-to-do'edness" while looking forward to coffee.  At six a.m. when I'm starting the violently noisy burr grinder for the best coffee in Iowa (note to the Larssen Family--you all have the best coffee in Illinois), the girls' violins are playing scales and arpeggios.  It is the sweetest sound ever--the dissonant mixing of their scales from their separate rooms, it makes me ever so happy.  They practice for an hour before they come down and then they eat and head out the door.  They are awesome.  We truly could not have put in an order for finer humans to be ours.

The girls with Jack--first meeting :-)

We met baby Jack in July!!!  He is just as precious as we knew he would be.  And, we cannot wait to see him and his parents again.  My other beautiful sister-in-law and brother are expecting their first baby (a boy also) in January!  It's such an exciting time to be apart of the Paulseth family.  :-)

My good friend, Margaret, whom I attended boarding school with, roomed with for our first 2 years of college, was a bridesmaid in our wedding, and has lived in Chicago-Land for the past 10 years, stopped by last weekend with her husband and 1 year-old-son to say goodbye as they head to Florida for the next chapter of their lives. Margaret was living in South Korea when Sam was born, and did not meet her until she was 9 months old, but she quickly became  known to both girls as "Auntie Madge" and taught Samantha her first little jig on the violin, "Mississippi Hotdog."  We will miss you greatly Auntie Madge, Moon, & Gilbert.

Wishing you all a lovely fall/spring!


xoxo  ~Autumn

Moon, Gilbert, & Margaret saying farewell :-(

My second high-schooler!!!

At the Zoo with the Larssen Ladies

Loving this Loving, Lovely summer

               

                        Baby Jack, born 6-17-15 to my brother Nick and sister-in-law Andrea  :-)

This summer we have been blessed to have been visited by dear friends we met in India.  In May, Leigh and her son Benjamin came from Michigan, and in June, Linda and her daughter Maggie came from Nevada.  Their darling husbands could not come with due to other travels, and were very much missed, but we will catch them next time.  It was incredibly nice to have long talks and walks with those wonderful, soulful ladies--such a rich gift of precious time together.  Thank you, girls!!  Now, it's our turn to visit you.

Since the girls' string camp, there has been hours upon hours of practicing going on here.  Sam was told by her violin instructor, that if she takes the next couple of years and ups her practicing from two hours/day to four she will be able to play professionally, and she has been doing this--as hard as it may be!  And, of course that is the track Mak is on also, so she has been faithfully practicing her allotted time, and her teacher is thoroughly jealous of her abilities at age 14.  This is another dream come true for me--to live in a music conservatory.  ;-)  I especially love working in the yard while they practice, because when I'm in the back I am serenaded by Sam working on her Bach and Mozart solos, and when I'm in the frontyard I'm serenaded by Mak working on her Viotti and Mendelsshon solos. Thank you, sweet girls, for your hard work and dedication.  Your music is making the world a more beautiful place while carrying on the legacy of the great musical minds before you.  

Sam is working as a cashier for a local grocery store.  This is her first job working for a business. She has nannied, cut lawns, and taught violin lessons, but she's never punched a clock.  ;-)   She seems to be enjoying it much more than the nannying she did over the school year--no more battles of the wit with ornery kids!   The demands of nannying seemed to have squelched her desire for having kids--for now.  ;-)  

Mak's in charge of our neighbor's lawn for the next few weeks while they travel.  It's excellent practice for driving which we love!  We may let Mak acquire her driving permit sooner than later since I am not driving.  The legal age for a permit here in Iowa is 14, but being Minnesotans at heart, we made Sam wait until she was 15 for hers which made for a tough year for us of "why can't I get my permit?!?"  Sorry Sam, first child problems.   

Speaking of my "not driving," legally it looks like I can start driving again in September, but I don't know if I will.   The unknown seizure scares me.  If I had not stopped myself from driving after my mini-seizures, I would have most likely been behind the wheel when my grand-mals hit.  Yuck.  I obviously do not want to hurt/kill anyone, so I'm more than happy to just be a back-seat driver for the rest of my life, and walk everywhere else.  I did mow the lawn for the first time this year which was fun, but that's all the driving I care to do!

As a side note: I grew up in the Christian faith, and have since grown out of it through 15 plus years of reading and thought.  I classify myself as an agnostic christian at this time as I still enjoy the culture and holidays that come out of Christianity/Paganism, and would like to pass that down to our posterity.  I know this must be painful for my believing Christian friends, and I deeply apologize for that.  I'm a searcher of truth, and if it leads me back to any specific god, I will go there.  I am not anti-god, I am pro-truth/knowledge.  The world makes much more sense now from where I sit as an agnostic/free-thinker.  I am free in every aspect of life, and I see an abundant more beauty in my day-to-day existence.  My journey out of belief has been a long, difficult, thought-filled one that would require a☀️ book's worth of words, so I will leave it at what I have said.  I have received some cards filled with concern about my lack of faith in God, so I wanted to "come out of the closet" so to speak and clear things up a bit.  ;-)   No worries, thanks for the love, and take care of you!  

xoxo ~Autumn

Our 17th Wedding Anniversary cruise on the Mississippi River

*It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods, or no god.  It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.  ~Thomas Jefferson

Trial Run as Empty-Nesters

A SnapChat Picture sent to us from their Strings Camp <3


We are living the life of "empty nesters" this week.  It's quiet.   I miss the girls' chattering selves, the violin practicing, the singing, and the updates of what's happening on "Grey's Anatomy" with the hospital noises in the back ground.  They have an obsession with  "Grey's Anatomy," and watch it every free moment that they have.   I can watch "Grey's" with them, but it's too real and too unreal for me at times.  I do enjoy Meredith's soliloquies at the end, as they capture life's truths quite well and can be cathartic.  

Andrew and I just finished the series "Breaking Bad," which was excellent!!  The writing and the acting are brilliant.   When a series concludes, I often feel dissatisfied, but this was the perfect ending.   The writer(s) did their homework.  I've never watched a show that is as psychologically accurate plus it has such smart symbolism sprinkled throughout the cinematography.   We are not big t.v. watchers, but we do enjoy having a go-to show for our date-nights when we want to stay in.  What to watch now?  Any suggestions? 

Well, my flu is pretty much gone, and it looks like it may have been a result of the generic anti-seizure drug I was switched to.  My immune system is strong, and I rarely am hit with the flu.  We switched back to the name brand, and a lot of the negative symptoms I had are clearing up!  I'm a little dizzier than usual, but once my body adapts, I'll stop bumping into the counters.  ;-)

My next doctor appointment is scheduled for September where we will go back to Mayo Clinic to review my MRI, and then talk to the cardio- team to see what steps to take next.   I do not think I will have another craniotomy even though they are recommending it.  What is happening upstairs is more or less completely ambiguous.  It's all guess work based on my MRI, so whether the brain tumor is growing, or it is scar tissue, or side-effects from the grand-mal seizures, nobody truly knows.  The neuro-surgeon said that there is a 15% chance that I will come out of surgery with significant damage, and I honestly like being able to walk and talk.  I'd much rather live a shorter life with excellent quality, than a longer one with greatly diminished quality, and thankfully Andrew feels the same.   I know how I felt 5 years ago upon waking from surgery when I had no control of my limbs and could not speak English.  I was not scared as I had my mind and felt secure in that, but it was beyond frustrating as I knew how things were supposed to be done, but I could not make my body cooperate.   My right hand/arm took the longest to become part of my body again, as I simply would forget to use it.  I still find this to be an issue occasionally, and am honestly terrified that if I let them back into my brain tissue, something catastrophic will happen. 

Life.  I LOVE life.   There is a natural ebb and flow between happiness and sadness that comes, and I try my best to acknowledge both feelings honestly.   It's painful to embrace the sadness, but it's a very real part of our human experience.   I personally do not want to cover-up the sadness with drugs, as the sadness that comes to me is from truly sad realities, and not a chemical imbalance.  I want to feel everything acutely, with awareness, and live an authentic life.   Perfection is not my goal, but to live fully, honestly, deeply, and with as much integrity as I can muster.   Making this life on earth as heavenly as possible is my number one goal, as there is no absolute guarantee of a heaven elsewhere.   Take care of you!  Beijoes!  

XOXO ~ Autumn

Too sick to post...

I seem to have contracted some sort of flu-like bug, so I have been sitting a lot which drives me crazy,  but have been productive with my on-line shopping which probably will drive Andrew crazy.   I am not up to posting, but just read Alix's new post and thought I'd share the link here.  All of her posts are quite good.

"Dr. Kendrick compares this to ancient religions, in which people appealed to religious leaders and deities to protect them, suggesting science just came along and gave us some explanations, but didn’t really change the underlying social need to be protected from unforeseen harm."  ~ quote from Greymadder, Alix Haydn's blog

Medicine, Science, & Religion

 ~xoxo Autumn

Ugh and true love...

My life from the start has not been boring, usual, or humdrum.  It has been one fast-paced, crazy adventure after another due to factors within my control and many without.  Today, I learned that I have early onset artherosclerosis.  Ugh.  Although the plaque build up in my carotid artery is fairly minimal with a slim chance of a heart attack or stroke today, the medical staff agreed that it is still a  concern that needs to be addressed. My cardiologist at the Mayo Clinic thinks it is a good idea to wait with treatment until after my next MRI, so I can see how the ketogenic diet is working with the tumor, and then decide which drugs/treatment to take/do to lower my cholesterol.  The medical team at Mayo stated that my high cholesterol is genetic, which means that it cannot be controlled by anything that I do personally and in order to lower the cholesterol I will need medical intervention (i.e. drugs).  "This is a very, very, unique situation in every way..." according to one of the cardio-staff.   "From the moment I met this woman, everything about her has been unique," responded Andrew.  <3

Andrew  *sigh*  I Don't Want to Miss A Thing -- Aerosmith

Andrew has been without a doubt the single best thing that has come into my life.   We have created the life that I always dreamed of as a child.   He has been willing to accommodate and aid in my crazy schemes from eating vegan (and teaching vegan cooking classes in our community), to homeschooling, to moving to Brazil, to moving to India after we knew I had brain cancer,  to leaving the church of our youth and embracing life on our own terms, to eating a mostly fat-filled ketogenic diet, etc..  He has supported me 99.9% in all of my craziness and hunger for knowledge and excellence and striving for an authentic life.  And, now here we are in a situation we did not create, nor ask for, but it is what it is.  The people around the world who died today of a random accident or unknown health condition did not ask for that either.  :-(   There are no guarantees.  We all hope that we will have the best of the best, but really all we can do is be our best, love our best, and then hope for the best and accept the rest.  

xoxo ~ Autumn

P.S.  I re-opened our old blog I started back in 2006 for Sam to access for a school project.  If interested: Old Foerderer Family Blog

             Rochester, MN  ~  Cold and Cloudy May

Emerson and an Update

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” 

“Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.” 

“Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.” 

“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.” 

“It is not the length of life, but the depth.” 

“It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.” 

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

 “The earth laughs in flowers.” 

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” 

“Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you.” 

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am currently reading (and re-reading) Emerson's book "Self-Reliance"  and have been thoroughly moved by his heart and sentiments as they mostly mirror my own heart and  life journey.  I wish I had been born with his intellect, but am grateful that he wrote down what he did and shared his gorgeous mind with the rest of us.

An update on what's happening here health-wise:  Andrew and I go back to Mayo for cardio based testing in a week and a half.  We have decided to wait on the neuro-doctors recommendations until my next MRI, so no brain surgery!!!  Yay--(yet)!!!  ;-) 

This upcoming week our youngest turns 14, so we are busy preparing for those celebrations--sooo fun!!!   Plus we have 3 exciting concerts to attend that week also--Sam's final choral concert and the girls' final school orchestra concert!!!   And, then that same week Yo Yo Ma will be in town  giving a concert in honor of our local orchestra's centennial anniversary.  It's an exciting time for us here in the Quad Cities.

 I hope all is well with you wherever you may be, and that if you are in the northern hemisphere you are enjoying all of the new spring blooms. 

~ xoxo Autumn